Monday, January 19, 2009

"My fiancee doesn't want to discuss 'problems' in our relationship"

Dear Dr. Love

I am getting married in four months. I have been engaged for four years. However, my fiancee and I have at least two major issues. I just don't know if this is serious enough for me to consider backing down from marriage.

My fiancee and I are not seeing eye to eye on money issues. He feels that when we are married once the bills are paid for each person should have allowance money to spend. The catch is the other person should not ask what the money was spent on.

An example is, he spends money on CD's or a football jersey that's over $200.00. If he used it from his allowance money I should not complain. I'm not ok with this. My parents have been together for over 30 years and consult every detail of their expenses together. My fiancee feels that this is like "reporting" to the mate.

My other problem is that whenever something bothers me (other than money matters), I feel I can't tell him without getting upset.

I email him or try over the phone. This doesn't work. He never wants to hear the bad he only wants things to always be on the upbeat. However, I have issues I want to discuss.

I feel he keeps me from expressing my feelings which turn into resentment. Lately, I have really been questioning my relationship.

Please help me. I'm getting married in four months and am afraid of failing. Please Help ME!!!! Any advice will much be appreciated. I need to hear an expert's advice.

THank you,

Miss G.

You are right about one thing: these issues will not go away once you are married and need to be resolved ASAP.

Before I get into the issues themselves, you two need to seek some kind of premarital counseling before the wedding. Many couples do this with excellent results. You two have known each other for four years. I wonder why you are just beginning to get scared.

You are with someone who basically does not allow you to communicate with him and who shuts out anything he doesn't want to hear. How can a relationship progress unless the two of you can really talk.

While I think each partner should have discretionary cash to spend as they choose, your problems are way deeper than money. As a rule, money issues are usually symbolic of deeper problems. I think your fiance, for whatever reason, has difficulty dealing with anything he doesn't want to hear.

Marriage is a long and serious lifetime arrangement. It is virtually impossible that issues won't arise which he will need to address.

You obviously come from parents who had an exceptionally close relationship. You are engaged to someone who believes that nothing serious needs to or can be discussed. This belief system does not bode well for a relationship in which problems which come up can be solved and the fact that you are already feeling resentment is a bad sign.

My advice is to tell him that you need to find some kind of forum in which you two can talk about the underlying issues before you go ahead with this marriage.

What else can you do unless you plan to hold things in for the rest of your lives together! Tell him that your mutual future happiness with each other depends on open and honest communication.

Frankly, without it, this marriage, or any relationship for that matter, doesn't stand much of a chance.


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