Sunday, January 18, 2009

"He says he loves me but won't kiss me"

Dear Dr. Love

I've been seeing a guy on/off for about 4 years now. (Both 22) We were instantly attracted the day we met 6 yrs ago at work and that day he asked me out but I said no, don't get me wrong I should have, I had butterflies in my stomach but did not know anything about the guy and was scared.

We used to flirt like crazy with each other until he lost his job and I didn't see him for a year. We bumped into each other and things started happening despite the fact he was with someone. It ended with them but then I went to university so we both thought a relationship would be hard so we didn't get together.

Since then we have both been in relationships whilst being involved with each other, sometimes physically but mainly just emotionally, we would phone and text each other daily despite me being away at school. For the past year we have been unofficially seeing each other off and on, he says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now (he doesn't know why, he just doesn't). I've asked if he thinks we will ever have a relationship in the future and he just doesn't know but admitted if we did it would be great.

He constantly reassures me he cares for me and has strong feelings for me as I do him. We both say we don't want to lose each other as we have grown so close we regard each other as best friends. To add to the complication he says he doesn't like kissing. I know he has done so with his gfs (he says he didn't particularly like it then either) but he won't kiss me. We do everything but he can't give me a solid reason for this either, just says he doesn't particularly like it.

This and the non-commitment causes arguments and sometimes either one of us calls it a day saying we should just be platonic friends, every time we do we end up with each other again. I've walked away from the whole situation three times before, taking advice from friends, thinking it would be better for us. But because I class him as one of my best friends it hurts me, I don't want to give up such a good friendship. He refuses to give my things back and tells me it's because he doesn't want to let go. Each time I do this it hurts him badly and I don't want to do it again.

Is this guy stringing me along? I don't think so but why wont he kiss or commit to me? Is this normal? Should I stop reading too much into this and not need a label on our relationship?

I am happy with him the way things are but need a clearer view of if this is a lost cause or if there is a more secure future ahead.


You are right, you are confused, and, by the way, so is he.

I am sure that if you read this letter over again, or, had you received such a letter from a friend, you would tell them to run from this young man, and not look back.

Seriously, just how many red flags have to wave before you can see there is no future here and, if there is, it is bleak! Here is a guy who says he loves you, but is involved intermittently with others, who won't kiss you ( heaven knows why!) , who won't commit to you, and, who says they don't really want to get involved on the girlfriend/boyfriend level. Why do you think there is a chance for something to happen? I literally don't see your reasoning.

Further, you are asking the wrong questions. The question should not be whether or not he has genuine feelings for you but rather, whether he can ever be emotionally stable enough to make you happy. (I doubt it.) As well as you might think you know, believe me, you don't. There are far too many things about him that are "mysterious" and which he refused to give you any satisfactory answers for.

I realize you met him when you were just 16 and, at that age, all kinds of romantic fantasies occur, but now you are 22 and are still thinking like a girl of 16. Please, grow up!! Whatever this guy is telling you may be true and I am sure he doesn't want to lose you, but what do you really have: a guy who frustrates you who won't commit. Why do you think this is going to change?

I think you are just hung up on the 6 year old fantasy that makes your heart beat faster when you think of him. Fine, but don't you think he has just taken "hard to get " to the point of absurdity. How good can all this make you feel. To me, it speaks of just plain misery spiced with a little excitement. This is hardly my idea of a relationship with a future.

As far as a platonic relationship goes, I don't think that would be possible until you no longer want anything more from it. It is just going to get harder and harder to sustain because you are so attracted to him. Remember, attraction is only one part of a relationship. Loyalty, commitment, responsibility and maturity make up the rest.

My advice: end it. Yes, even the friendship. At least for now. Why do you need someone who doesn't give you what you need. How good a friend is he if he gives you such mixed messages. Do you really think that this skewed communication is friendship? I know it will be hard because you are kind of addicted to the push-pull aspect of this and the imbalance it causes but he is nothing more than a bad drug of which you need to totally break the habit and get it out of your system, once and for all.

Believe me, I am right. Turn away and don't look back.


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