Monday, January 19, 2009

"I'm In Love with Two Girls"

Dear Dr. Love

I feel really bad for having to write this as it's something I should be able to sort out myself but I can't.
Basically, I love two girls dearly and I can't choose between the two.
I met Anne 18 months ago� We had some great times at the beginning but I always found myself wanting more, but never did anything about it and worked hard at our relationship.
She's a lovely girl but always needs someone in her life, she's very dependent on people.
I found myself resenting her occasionally as I too needed attention and found myself always having to give it.
She's such a sweet girl, but sometimes too sweet and that frustrated me as she got walked over from time to time.
We ended up moving in together and everything seemed Ok.
Well, she was over the moon and found myself feeling more and more trapped. Having to convince her I loved and cared for her. This took it's toll on me.
Do I sound bad saying that ? We got on really well but were never on that same level you want out of a relationship.
I could explain things about work, life, music etc and it went straight over her head. I'd just get the "Ahh.."Erm.." Really".. As if it was never being taken it.
I never got over the fact that I could come home after a bad day and explain everything to her with no advice back, on the other hand I always had to be a pool of information for her.
One day at work a girl came to our offices. She was working with us for 9 weeks on work placement. We clicked in so many ways it scared me. We got on so well from the start.
I promised myself nothing would come of it as it was so evident that we really liked each other.
To cut a long story short we ended up kissing on a night out and that was it. She's such a beautiful girl, listens to everything I say and understands.. Always has good advice to give me etc.. We did the usual office fling bit and went for lunches, walks in the park etc�
I ended up moving out of my house with Anne and moving into my brother's house whilst still seeing Ellen, the new girl.
Anne had no idea what was going on. I never told her I was seeing someone else, I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had.
Now 3 months down the line I don't know which one I want to be with. I love Anne so much, but I also love Ellen with the same passion. It's like Ellen gives me what Anne doesn't and vice-versa.
Anne wants me back and Ellen and I are still together.
Part of me wants to "go home" and part of me is scared to stay with Ellen.
I'm so confused. I love them both very much.
I guess one of the main reasons I can't decide is because of where I am living. In a single room at my brother's house.
My house with Anne is cool, we had it set up nice.. I miss that. I miss her. But when I see her it's so different.
She's the same sweet sweet girl who wouldn't harm anyone� But at the same time she frustrates me because she's so "soft".
Ellen is the complete opposite. She's a strong girl and I love her for that.
Anne is working away at the moment. She won't be local to me for 3 or 4 months. I feel so lonely and desperate at times but how can I as I have Ellen? I miss Anne all the time but is it because I'm in a situation right now that I don't like so I go for the easiest option and go home.
But what about Ellen? I can't just walk out on that, I Love her. I can see us being together forever, but I thought that about Anne? I feel like such a shit. I never saw my life ending up like this, at 28 !
It seems so text-book. So, problem page in a mag.
I just wish I could turn the clock back.
Any advice is good advice, please help.

Regards, Tim

You can't love two people equally so lets get that straight right now.
I don't think the problem is choosing between two women: I think the problem is that you haven't really learned to take care of yourself fully yet in a grown up and adult fashion.
Here's what I mean. You are 28 years old and living with your brother.
You want to go back to Anne's house because she takes care of you. You don't have to bother setting up your own place because you so easily fit into hers.
In a sense, she is like a mother to you. She is soft, sweet, understanding, and puts up with you.
You also don't respect her quite as you should and think she is way too "soft." I think she represents the part of you that is childlike and needs to be taken care of. You imagine that you are taking care of her when actually she is taking care of you.
Ellen, on the other hand, is independent, passionate and self-sufficient. She also doesn't live near you so you don't have to really put this relationship to the test as of yet.
She represents another piece of yourself, the independent and sensual man. She attracts you greatly but you haven't been in the same place with her long enough to make a decision about her.
My belief is that when we are in a situation such as this, when we cannot choose between two people and feel "in love" with both, that we are not actually in love with either.
Both of these women satisfy a different need of yours.
Anne takes care of you, provides you with nice home, and makes you feel safe and nurtured.
Ellen is passionate and sexual which is the opposite side of the same coin.
I suggest that you may be deeply attracted to each of these women, but that you haven't evolved fully into your own life to actually make a decision as a mature adult.
Further, I haven't heard you say what you provide for either of these women. You seem way more focused on what they do for you.
In a mature adult relationship, we give and take equally. You are taking from both of these women, but what are you actually providing for either or both of them.
Here's my advice. Get your own life in working order before you make any decisions!
Move out of your brother's house and get your own place. Make sure your self-esteem is based on your own achievements and that you feel more fully evolved and centered whether that means working things out personally and/or professionally.
You don't mention your family background but my sense is that their may be some mother issue at play here.
You may think you are being good to these women, but, in reality, you are lying to both and misrepresenting your availability.
The bottom line is that we can't really and truly fall in love until we love and value ourselves. Other people cannot complete us or be used to fill up the empty spaces within ourselves.
I would work on my own life and feel more loving and complete within myself before putting pressure on myself to choose either of these ladies.
After you have grown a bit, you might be able to make a better decision, or, you might actually find someone completely different!
Good luck in your search, and please keep me posted as to your progress.


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