Friday, January 16, 2009

"I have a girlfriend - but all I can think about is the old one!

Dear Dr. Love,

I met this girl back in high school, over 10 years ago now. We instantly had this connection with each other, and from what I remember the teacher had sat us together to try and stop us both from disrupting her class! Anyway, we started hanging out more and more - first with her friends, then more on our own, etc.

The relationship really blossomed over the years, and we had shared a great many personal, deep secrets and feelings with each other. I feel that this woman now knows me best out of anybody - possibly even my own mother. People would comment on what a good couple we made - except they didn't know we were just friends.

Although I felt strong feelings of love towards her soon into the relationship, I never made my feelings known for fear of rejection. This has been going on up until now.

I had to endure the relative torture of seeing other men date her, most of them were abusive, generally losers. I have tried not to be bias in forming those opinions, I do believe it's true - hell, even she agrees.

So, fast forward to the present day, and she now has a little girl - the father has absolutely nothing to do with them, did a runner very soon after she was born. I was the closest thing that little girl had for a father.

I got involved with another girl, who is now my girlfriend. We live together at this moment. It seemed that neither of the two girls liked this. Maybe my girlfriend could tell my feelings. My 'true' love just didn't like me being with my girlfriend for some reason; I got a text message from her to say she didn't want to see me any more.

So, here I am, still with that girlfriend, still living with her. To be honest I have rushed into this relationship and don't feel like I really do love her at all - in fact I'd rather be on my own than lead her on.

I have not been able to forget or 'get over' the original girl, I am dreaming of her when asleep, thinking of her when awake.

So after 7 or 8 months of not seeing or contacting her, I contacted the girl I have these intense feelings for, and she has responded. She wants to meet up - and soon.

I am seriously considering meeting with her at an old pub we used to go to, and then taking her on a walk we used to do down the lanes. During the walk I intend to make my feelings for her crystal clear, and ask her what she thinks.

If she says no, I don't think I'd be able to face her again. If she says yes, I would totally be there for her and her little girl. I'd love her for all eternity, and marry her in a heartbeat!

Clearly, there are a number of complications here. First of all there are joint ownerships of high value items with my current girlfriend, there is still a large period left on the rental agreement, her family has accepted me and I play squash with her brother. If I move out of the flat, I'll need a new place - it's questionable whether I can afford it on my own.

There are a lot of bridges to burn here, and massive risk involved in going down this route - but if don't act now, I will forever regret it. I'm sure that this is the last opportunity I am ever going to have.

Oh yeah, we are both 23.

What do you make of all this?



My first suggestion is to see the movie "Match Point" by Woody Allen. You are definitely that boy.

You love someone you say "deeply" but money and comfort mean more to you than love. You live with someone whose family has taken you in and accepted you and you are not really being honest with your live in, but you are too scared of making your own way in the world and taking on adult responsibility.

Second, I hear that you don't feel capable of supporting yourself and that living on your own, without the support of your current g.f. would be too hard to handle. Does that sound like an adult male to you? Exactly.

So let me ask....what do you do? Are you capable of being emotionally and financially independent? Can you really take on the responsibility of a mother and daughter? That is a pretty big order.

Also, it sounds like the girl you love gave you a chance but that you weren't able to break with the other girl. She did right by refusing to see you. Who needs someone that ambivalent?

I think that even though you don't really want the one you have, you are afraid to go for what you really want. Honestly, that just cheats everyone: you, girl number one and girl number two as well.

I also wonder what the emotional health is of the girl you say you love if she has chosen abusive or unstable relationships. What makes you think it will be any different with you?

Okay, so what should you do?

First, for goodness sakes, start to be honest at least with yourself and stop living the lie you are living just for the convenience of a nice life style.

Talk to the girl you love and tell her the truth: you want to marry her and leave your current live in. See if she is open to that. If you don't approach her, you will probably always regret it. Second, be a gentleman to the girl you live with. She sounds like a good person and at least deserves your honesty.

Third, remember that 23 is not very old. The most important task at your age is to establish yourself as an independent and mature entity that can support himself as well as a potential life partner. It doesn't sound like you are quite there yet, does it?

At the very least, both of these young women deserve someone who can "man up" truthfully and openly and end the deceit of your present situation.

I hope I have given you an answer that will be helpful to you. Good luck and keep me posted.



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