| Dear Doctor Love I need some advice. I had been secretly in love with someone, B., for the past 2 years. He and I are good friends, but he likes someone else, Kara, who is also my friend. So since it didn't seem possible for me to express my feelings for him, I helped him court Kara. Then Kara decided that she wasn't ready to commit, and broke up with him. He was so devastated that I didn't know what to do. He wanted me to help them come back together, so during our Christmas party, I got them to dance together. But somehow, I felt so sad I had to stop dancing and go somewhere to cry. Then when he came back and told me that Kara had rejected him again, I just didn't know if I should feel glad or sad, or anything at all. When I was about to leave the dance, he offered to send me off. We ended up discussing he and Kara. When he told me that he is willing to wait until Kara accepts him, I felt my heart die. I was so sad that i just wanted to end my feelings for him. So I asked him to close his eyes, kissed him and said goodbye. Since I didn't think we'd meet again, I thought everything would end there. But I cannot get my mind off him. Then I met Kara yesterday at a party. We left together and talked about their relationship. She told me that she's hesitant about the outcome and thus is not confident enough to make up with B. So I ended up encouraging her to accept B. Then I felt so rotten about myself that I went home to cry again. I'm hopeless and I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think I can continue being their go-between aunt-agony anymore, but I can't tell Kara that I love her boyfriend. What should I do? In need of a break, Gone-Between My God! How much suffering can you inflict on yourself. Stay out of their relationship! Tell B. that he is too good to be with someone who doesn't love him and tell Kara that you don't want to be a go between. Also, don't tell either of them about your secret passion. He won't be ready for you unless he gets over her so tell him he is worth much more than this kind of suffering. Then give it some time. Meanwhile, act friendly to both. IF he comes to you, tell him that you care, but that he needs to work it out for himself. Tell him you know someone who likes him, but that you can't tell him till he gets over this. Then see what happens. Besides, this is a self-esteem issue for you. Don't you think you deserve someone for yourself? The only way to find out if there can really be anything between you and B. is to let him heal, and then see if he responds to you. Also, I wouldn't spend that much time with either of them right now. Hang out with others. You may actually meet someone else that you like even better. Waiting around won't get you anywhere and may actually be an unconscious statement that you don't think you can get your own guy. Believe me, you can.! Let me know how it goes. Good luck.. |
Showing posts with label Love Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Letters. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
"I'm the Go-Between Who Loves the Guy"
Friday, January 23, 2009
does TRUE LOVE exist? question by "headed to nowhere"
yes.......
True Love Does Really exist in this world
its unexplainable
it has own reason.... and that reason is UNKNOWN
true love cant be seen in physical looks,mental ability,money......
kindness.....
but in the Heart...
mouth cant say...
brain cant think....
only the heart... can say... ^^
"Do i Love Him/Her???"
True Love Does Really exist in this world
its unexplainable
it has own reason.... and that reason is UNKNOWN
true love cant be seen in physical looks,mental ability,money......
kindness.....
but in the Heart...
mouth cant say...
brain cant think....
only the heart... can say... ^^
"Do i Love Him/Her???"
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
"I Feel Trapped in This Relationship"
Dear Dr, Love
I am a 20 year old female that is in a relationship with a 25 year old man. We have been going out for three months now, but we fell in love after going out for three weeks. The relationship was a dream come true until very recently.
My boyfriend asked me to stay with him during my school break from college (2 weeks). This seemed like a long period of time and I was a little nervous inside because of concern over my need for space.
Despite this apprehension, I agreed to the arrangement. He said that it has been the best time of his life while I felt like I was going crazy after the two weeks were over. I told him that I needed to go away for a few days so that I could have more freedom, more space, and get more things done. I complained that I felt like I had gotten married overnight. I was confined to the house most of the time. It took him a while to finally give me a key and I am isolated from transportation and friends. I felt like he wanted me to adapt to his ways of doing things instead of doing things my own way.
When I wasn't living with him, he would still come straight from work and take me out for a great time. Since I've been staying with him, we mostly go out to run errands, go to the grocery store, and take the trash out!
Every time he was around he wanted me to be with him (For example: if I was watching TV, he would want me to stop so that I could lay next to him while he was on the phone.) I told him that simple things make me feel in control (being able to come and go as I please, working outside the house, etc.) but I felt like he was trying to be in control. I told him that made me feel unhappy so I had to go back to my original environment for a little while.
Meanwhile, he keeps saying he wants to ask me to marry him someday, he wants me to have his children, he wants me to live with him permanently after I graduate in May. I'll admit that we've had some wonderful times together. But I'm feeling suffocated.
After we discussed these things, he voluntarily said he would change. He said he didn't think he was controlling but that possibly I thought so because of the way he said things and that he would try to be more careful. I told him that I am a very independent person and I need time for my own activities and interests. He said he will value my privacy more.
This is all nice but I am still feeling awkward about going back to stay with him. I feel more irritated by him that ever and my need for space seems to grow everyday.
I feel overwhelmed and confused. I keep telling myself that love will keep us together despite my recent doubts.
What should I do?
Trapped
This guy may be great and wonderful but you are in an entirely different life stage. You are definitely not ready to play house.
Your feelings are right when they tell you that being confined is not right for you at the age of 20. We need to keep in mind that he is five years older than you and may be more ready than you are. This relationship, as loving as it is, was not equipped to handle coming home and doing chores.
You had your best times when you could go out and have fun. You need to keep doing this. So many young people make the mistake of giving up their late adolescence and early adulthood, which is a time of discovery and experimentation, to be committed to someone they might eventually outgrow.
We change the most between the ages of 20 to 28. All your feelings of being stifled are telling you that you need to be much freer than you are with this young man. Your heart is telling you that you can't handle this so listen to it.
Try to go back to the stage where you are merely dating. Errands and chores at your age will deprive you of the period of experimentation and growth at the sacrifice of what he needs you to be.
I can't stress how strongly I feel that you need to break away from this and discover your own life as a separate individual before you make this kind of choice.
What if you wake up in five years and say, "My God, I've missed five years of my development!"
I guarantee you this is what will happen.
Your feelings are correct. Pay attention to them.
I am a 20 year old female that is in a relationship with a 25 year old man. We have been going out for three months now, but we fell in love after going out for three weeks. The relationship was a dream come true until very recently.
My boyfriend asked me to stay with him during my school break from college (2 weeks). This seemed like a long period of time and I was a little nervous inside because of concern over my need for space.
Despite this apprehension, I agreed to the arrangement. He said that it has been the best time of his life while I felt like I was going crazy after the two weeks were over. I told him that I needed to go away for a few days so that I could have more freedom, more space, and get more things done. I complained that I felt like I had gotten married overnight. I was confined to the house most of the time. It took him a while to finally give me a key and I am isolated from transportation and friends. I felt like he wanted me to adapt to his ways of doing things instead of doing things my own way.
When I wasn't living with him, he would still come straight from work and take me out for a great time. Since I've been staying with him, we mostly go out to run errands, go to the grocery store, and take the trash out!
Every time he was around he wanted me to be with him (For example: if I was watching TV, he would want me to stop so that I could lay next to him while he was on the phone.) I told him that simple things make me feel in control (being able to come and go as I please, working outside the house, etc.) but I felt like he was trying to be in control. I told him that made me feel unhappy so I had to go back to my original environment for a little while.
Meanwhile, he keeps saying he wants to ask me to marry him someday, he wants me to have his children, he wants me to live with him permanently after I graduate in May. I'll admit that we've had some wonderful times together. But I'm feeling suffocated.
After we discussed these things, he voluntarily said he would change. He said he didn't think he was controlling but that possibly I thought so because of the way he said things and that he would try to be more careful. I told him that I am a very independent person and I need time for my own activities and interests. He said he will value my privacy more.
This is all nice but I am still feeling awkward about going back to stay with him. I feel more irritated by him that ever and my need for space seems to grow everyday.
I feel overwhelmed and confused. I keep telling myself that love will keep us together despite my recent doubts.
What should I do?
Trapped
This guy may be great and wonderful but you are in an entirely different life stage. You are definitely not ready to play house.
Your feelings are right when they tell you that being confined is not right for you at the age of 20. We need to keep in mind that he is five years older than you and may be more ready than you are. This relationship, as loving as it is, was not equipped to handle coming home and doing chores.
You had your best times when you could go out and have fun. You need to keep doing this. So many young people make the mistake of giving up their late adolescence and early adulthood, which is a time of discovery and experimentation, to be committed to someone they might eventually outgrow.
We change the most between the ages of 20 to 28. All your feelings of being stifled are telling you that you need to be much freer than you are with this young man. Your heart is telling you that you can't handle this so listen to it.
Try to go back to the stage where you are merely dating. Errands and chores at your age will deprive you of the period of experimentation and growth at the sacrifice of what he needs you to be.
I can't stress how strongly I feel that you need to break away from this and discover your own life as a separate individual before you make this kind of choice.
What if you wake up in five years and say, "My God, I've missed five years of my development!"
I guarantee you this is what will happen.
Your feelings are correct. Pay attention to them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
"I'm In Love with Two Girls"
Dear Dr. Love
I feel really bad for having to write this as it's something I should be able to sort out myself but I can't.
Basically, I love two girls dearly and I can't choose between the two.
I met Anne 18 months ago� We had some great times at the beginning but I always found myself wanting more, but never did anything about it and worked hard at our relationship.
She's a lovely girl but always needs someone in her life, she's very dependent on people.
I found myself resenting her occasionally as I too needed attention and found myself always having to give it.
She's such a sweet girl, but sometimes too sweet and that frustrated me as she got walked over from time to time.
We ended up moving in together and everything seemed Ok.
Well, she was over the moon and found myself feeling more and more trapped. Having to convince her I loved and cared for her. This took it's toll on me.
Do I sound bad saying that ? We got on really well but were never on that same level you want out of a relationship.
I could explain things about work, life, music etc and it went straight over her head. I'd just get the "Ahh.."Erm.." Really".. As if it was never being taken it.
I never got over the fact that I could come home after a bad day and explain everything to her with no advice back, on the other hand I always had to be a pool of information for her.
One day at work a girl came to our offices. She was working with us for 9 weeks on work placement. We clicked in so many ways it scared me. We got on so well from the start.
I promised myself nothing would come of it as it was so evident that we really liked each other.
To cut a long story short we ended up kissing on a night out and that was it. She's such a beautiful girl, listens to everything I say and understands.. Always has good advice to give me etc.. We did the usual office fling bit and went for lunches, walks in the park etc�
I ended up moving out of my house with Anne and moving into my brother's house whilst still seeing Ellen, the new girl.
Anne had no idea what was going on. I never told her I was seeing someone else, I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had.
Now 3 months down the line I don't know which one I want to be with. I love Anne so much, but I also love Ellen with the same passion. It's like Ellen gives me what Anne doesn't and vice-versa.
Anne wants me back and Ellen and I are still together.
Part of me wants to "go home" and part of me is scared to stay with Ellen.
I'm so confused. I love them both very much.
I guess one of the main reasons I can't decide is because of where I am living. In a single room at my brother's house.
My house with Anne is cool, we had it set up nice.. I miss that. I miss her. But when I see her it's so different.
She's the same sweet sweet girl who wouldn't harm anyone� But at the same time she frustrates me because she's so "soft".
Ellen is the complete opposite. She's a strong girl and I love her for that.
Anne is working away at the moment. She won't be local to me for 3 or 4 months. I feel so lonely and desperate at times but how can I as I have Ellen? I miss Anne all the time but is it because I'm in a situation right now that I don't like so I go for the easiest option and go home.
But what about Ellen? I can't just walk out on that, I Love her. I can see us being together forever, but I thought that about Anne? I feel like such a shit. I never saw my life ending up like this, at 28 !
It seems so text-book. So, problem page in a mag.
I just wish I could turn the clock back.
Any advice is good advice, please help.
Regards, Tim
You can't love two people equally so lets get that straight right now.
I don't think the problem is choosing between two women: I think the problem is that you haven't really learned to take care of yourself fully yet in a grown up and adult fashion.
Here's what I mean. You are 28 years old and living with your brother.
You want to go back to Anne's house because she takes care of you. You don't have to bother setting up your own place because you so easily fit into hers.
In a sense, she is like a mother to you. She is soft, sweet, understanding, and puts up with you.
You also don't respect her quite as you should and think she is way too "soft." I think she represents the part of you that is childlike and needs to be taken care of. You imagine that you are taking care of her when actually she is taking care of you.
Ellen, on the other hand, is independent, passionate and self-sufficient. She also doesn't live near you so you don't have to really put this relationship to the test as of yet.
She represents another piece of yourself, the independent and sensual man. She attracts you greatly but you haven't been in the same place with her long enough to make a decision about her.
My belief is that when we are in a situation such as this, when we cannot choose between two people and feel "in love" with both, that we are not actually in love with either.
Both of these women satisfy a different need of yours.
Anne takes care of you, provides you with nice home, and makes you feel safe and nurtured.
Ellen is passionate and sexual which is the opposite side of the same coin.
I suggest that you may be deeply attracted to each of these women, but that you haven't evolved fully into your own life to actually make a decision as a mature adult.
Further, I haven't heard you say what you provide for either of these women. You seem way more focused on what they do for you.
In a mature adult relationship, we give and take equally. You are taking from both of these women, but what are you actually providing for either or both of them.
Here's my advice. Get your own life in working order before you make any decisions!
Move out of your brother's house and get your own place. Make sure your self-esteem is based on your own achievements and that you feel more fully evolved and centered whether that means working things out personally and/or professionally.
You don't mention your family background but my sense is that their may be some mother issue at play here.
You may think you are being good to these women, but, in reality, you are lying to both and misrepresenting your availability.
The bottom line is that we can't really and truly fall in love until we love and value ourselves. Other people cannot complete us or be used to fill up the empty spaces within ourselves.
I would work on my own life and feel more loving and complete within myself before putting pressure on myself to choose either of these ladies.
After you have grown a bit, you might be able to make a better decision, or, you might actually find someone completely different!
Good luck in your search, and please keep me posted as to your progress.
I feel really bad for having to write this as it's something I should be able to sort out myself but I can't.
Basically, I love two girls dearly and I can't choose between the two.
I met Anne 18 months ago� We had some great times at the beginning but I always found myself wanting more, but never did anything about it and worked hard at our relationship.
She's a lovely girl but always needs someone in her life, she's very dependent on people.
I found myself resenting her occasionally as I too needed attention and found myself always having to give it.
She's such a sweet girl, but sometimes too sweet and that frustrated me as she got walked over from time to time.
We ended up moving in together and everything seemed Ok.
Well, she was over the moon and found myself feeling more and more trapped. Having to convince her I loved and cared for her. This took it's toll on me.
Do I sound bad saying that ? We got on really well but were never on that same level you want out of a relationship.
I could explain things about work, life, music etc and it went straight over her head. I'd just get the "Ahh.."Erm.." Really".. As if it was never being taken it.
I never got over the fact that I could come home after a bad day and explain everything to her with no advice back, on the other hand I always had to be a pool of information for her.
One day at work a girl came to our offices. She was working with us for 9 weeks on work placement. We clicked in so many ways it scared me. We got on so well from the start.
I promised myself nothing would come of it as it was so evident that we really liked each other.
To cut a long story short we ended up kissing on a night out and that was it. She's such a beautiful girl, listens to everything I say and understands.. Always has good advice to give me etc.. We did the usual office fling bit and went for lunches, walks in the park etc�
I ended up moving out of my house with Anne and moving into my brother's house whilst still seeing Ellen, the new girl.
Anne had no idea what was going on. I never told her I was seeing someone else, I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had.
Now 3 months down the line I don't know which one I want to be with. I love Anne so much, but I also love Ellen with the same passion. It's like Ellen gives me what Anne doesn't and vice-versa.
Anne wants me back and Ellen and I are still together.
Part of me wants to "go home" and part of me is scared to stay with Ellen.
I'm so confused. I love them both very much.
I guess one of the main reasons I can't decide is because of where I am living. In a single room at my brother's house.
My house with Anne is cool, we had it set up nice.. I miss that. I miss her. But when I see her it's so different.
She's the same sweet sweet girl who wouldn't harm anyone� But at the same time she frustrates me because she's so "soft".
Ellen is the complete opposite. She's a strong girl and I love her for that.
Anne is working away at the moment. She won't be local to me for 3 or 4 months. I feel so lonely and desperate at times but how can I as I have Ellen? I miss Anne all the time but is it because I'm in a situation right now that I don't like so I go for the easiest option and go home.
But what about Ellen? I can't just walk out on that, I Love her. I can see us being together forever, but I thought that about Anne? I feel like such a shit. I never saw my life ending up like this, at 28 !
It seems so text-book. So, problem page in a mag.
I just wish I could turn the clock back.
Any advice is good advice, please help.
Regards, Tim
You can't love two people equally so lets get that straight right now.
I don't think the problem is choosing between two women: I think the problem is that you haven't really learned to take care of yourself fully yet in a grown up and adult fashion.
Here's what I mean. You are 28 years old and living with your brother.
You want to go back to Anne's house because she takes care of you. You don't have to bother setting up your own place because you so easily fit into hers.
In a sense, she is like a mother to you. She is soft, sweet, understanding, and puts up with you.
You also don't respect her quite as you should and think she is way too "soft." I think she represents the part of you that is childlike and needs to be taken care of. You imagine that you are taking care of her when actually she is taking care of you.
Ellen, on the other hand, is independent, passionate and self-sufficient. She also doesn't live near you so you don't have to really put this relationship to the test as of yet.
She represents another piece of yourself, the independent and sensual man. She attracts you greatly but you haven't been in the same place with her long enough to make a decision about her.
My belief is that when we are in a situation such as this, when we cannot choose between two people and feel "in love" with both, that we are not actually in love with either.
Both of these women satisfy a different need of yours.
Anne takes care of you, provides you with nice home, and makes you feel safe and nurtured.
Ellen is passionate and sexual which is the opposite side of the same coin.
I suggest that you may be deeply attracted to each of these women, but that you haven't evolved fully into your own life to actually make a decision as a mature adult.
Further, I haven't heard you say what you provide for either of these women. You seem way more focused on what they do for you.
In a mature adult relationship, we give and take equally. You are taking from both of these women, but what are you actually providing for either or both of them.
Here's my advice. Get your own life in working order before you make any decisions!
Move out of your brother's house and get your own place. Make sure your self-esteem is based on your own achievements and that you feel more fully evolved and centered whether that means working things out personally and/or professionally.
You don't mention your family background but my sense is that their may be some mother issue at play here.
You may think you are being good to these women, but, in reality, you are lying to both and misrepresenting your availability.
The bottom line is that we can't really and truly fall in love until we love and value ourselves. Other people cannot complete us or be used to fill up the empty spaces within ourselves.
I would work on my own life and feel more loving and complete within myself before putting pressure on myself to choose either of these ladies.
After you have grown a bit, you might be able to make a better decision, or, you might actually find someone completely different!
Good luck in your search, and please keep me posted as to your progress.
"My fiancee doesn't want to discuss 'problems' in our relationship"
Dear Dr. Love
I am getting married in four months. I have been engaged for four years. However, my fiancee and I have at least two major issues. I just don't know if this is serious enough for me to consider backing down from marriage.
My fiancee and I are not seeing eye to eye on money issues. He feels that when we are married once the bills are paid for each person should have allowance money to spend. The catch is the other person should not ask what the money was spent on.
An example is, he spends money on CD's or a football jersey that's over $200.00. If he used it from his allowance money I should not complain. I'm not ok with this. My parents have been together for over 30 years and consult every detail of their expenses together. My fiancee feels that this is like "reporting" to the mate.
My other problem is that whenever something bothers me (other than money matters), I feel I can't tell him without getting upset.
I email him or try over the phone. This doesn't work. He never wants to hear the bad he only wants things to always be on the upbeat. However, I have issues I want to discuss.
I feel he keeps me from expressing my feelings which turn into resentment. Lately, I have really been questioning my relationship.
Please help me. I'm getting married in four months and am afraid of failing. Please Help ME!!!! Any advice will much be appreciated. I need to hear an expert's advice.
THank you,
Miss G.
You are right about one thing: these issues will not go away once you are married and need to be resolved ASAP.
Before I get into the issues themselves, you two need to seek some kind of premarital counseling before the wedding. Many couples do this with excellent results. You two have known each other for four years. I wonder why you are just beginning to get scared.
You are with someone who basically does not allow you to communicate with him and who shuts out anything he doesn't want to hear. How can a relationship progress unless the two of you can really talk.
While I think each partner should have discretionary cash to spend as they choose, your problems are way deeper than money. As a rule, money issues are usually symbolic of deeper problems. I think your fiance, for whatever reason, has difficulty dealing with anything he doesn't want to hear.
Marriage is a long and serious lifetime arrangement. It is virtually impossible that issues won't arise which he will need to address.
You obviously come from parents who had an exceptionally close relationship. You are engaged to someone who believes that nothing serious needs to or can be discussed. This belief system does not bode well for a relationship in which problems which come up can be solved and the fact that you are already feeling resentment is a bad sign.
My advice is to tell him that you need to find some kind of forum in which you two can talk about the underlying issues before you go ahead with this marriage.
What else can you do unless you plan to hold things in for the rest of your lives together! Tell him that your mutual future happiness with each other depends on open and honest communication.
Frankly, without it, this marriage, or any relationship for that matter, doesn't stand much of a chance.
I am getting married in four months. I have been engaged for four years. However, my fiancee and I have at least two major issues. I just don't know if this is serious enough for me to consider backing down from marriage.
My fiancee and I are not seeing eye to eye on money issues. He feels that when we are married once the bills are paid for each person should have allowance money to spend. The catch is the other person should not ask what the money was spent on.
An example is, he spends money on CD's or a football jersey that's over $200.00. If he used it from his allowance money I should not complain. I'm not ok with this. My parents have been together for over 30 years and consult every detail of their expenses together. My fiancee feels that this is like "reporting" to the mate.
My other problem is that whenever something bothers me (other than money matters), I feel I can't tell him without getting upset.
I email him or try over the phone. This doesn't work. He never wants to hear the bad he only wants things to always be on the upbeat. However, I have issues I want to discuss.
I feel he keeps me from expressing my feelings which turn into resentment. Lately, I have really been questioning my relationship.
Please help me. I'm getting married in four months and am afraid of failing. Please Help ME!!!! Any advice will much be appreciated. I need to hear an expert's advice.
THank you,
Miss G.
You are right about one thing: these issues will not go away once you are married and need to be resolved ASAP.
Before I get into the issues themselves, you two need to seek some kind of premarital counseling before the wedding. Many couples do this with excellent results. You two have known each other for four years. I wonder why you are just beginning to get scared.
You are with someone who basically does not allow you to communicate with him and who shuts out anything he doesn't want to hear. How can a relationship progress unless the two of you can really talk.
While I think each partner should have discretionary cash to spend as they choose, your problems are way deeper than money. As a rule, money issues are usually symbolic of deeper problems. I think your fiance, for whatever reason, has difficulty dealing with anything he doesn't want to hear.
Marriage is a long and serious lifetime arrangement. It is virtually impossible that issues won't arise which he will need to address.
You obviously come from parents who had an exceptionally close relationship. You are engaged to someone who believes that nothing serious needs to or can be discussed. This belief system does not bode well for a relationship in which problems which come up can be solved and the fact that you are already feeling resentment is a bad sign.
My advice is to tell him that you need to find some kind of forum in which you two can talk about the underlying issues before you go ahead with this marriage.
What else can you do unless you plan to hold things in for the rest of your lives together! Tell him that your mutual future happiness with each other depends on open and honest communication.
Frankly, without it, this marriage, or any relationship for that matter, doesn't stand much of a chance.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
"He says he loves me but won't kiss me"
Dear Dr. Love
I've been seeing a guy on/off for about 4 years now. (Both 22) We were instantly attracted the day we met 6 yrs ago at work and that day he asked me out but I said no, don't get me wrong I should have, I had butterflies in my stomach but did not know anything about the guy and was scared.
We used to flirt like crazy with each other until he lost his job and I didn't see him for a year. We bumped into each other and things started happening despite the fact he was with someone. It ended with them but then I went to university so we both thought a relationship would be hard so we didn't get together.
Since then we have both been in relationships whilst being involved with each other, sometimes physically but mainly just emotionally, we would phone and text each other daily despite me being away at school. For the past year we have been unofficially seeing each other off and on, he says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now (he doesn't know why, he just doesn't). I've asked if he thinks we will ever have a relationship in the future and he just doesn't know but admitted if we did it would be great.
He constantly reassures me he cares for me and has strong feelings for me as I do him. We both say we don't want to lose each other as we have grown so close we regard each other as best friends. To add to the complication he says he doesn't like kissing. I know he has done so with his gfs (he says he didn't particularly like it then either) but he won't kiss me. We do everything but he can't give me a solid reason for this either, just says he doesn't particularly like it.
This and the non-commitment causes arguments and sometimes either one of us calls it a day saying we should just be platonic friends, every time we do we end up with each other again. I've walked away from the whole situation three times before, taking advice from friends, thinking it would be better for us. But because I class him as one of my best friends it hurts me, I don't want to give up such a good friendship. He refuses to give my things back and tells me it's because he doesn't want to let go. Each time I do this it hurts him badly and I don't want to do it again.
Is this guy stringing me along? I don't think so but why wont he kiss or commit to me? Is this normal? Should I stop reading too much into this and not need a label on our relationship?
I am happy with him the way things are but need a clearer view of if this is a lost cause or if there is a more secure future ahead.
Confused
You are right, you are confused, and, by the way, so is he.
I am sure that if you read this letter over again, or, had you received such a letter from a friend, you would tell them to run from this young man, and not look back.
Seriously, just how many red flags have to wave before you can see there is no future here and, if there is, it is bleak! Here is a guy who says he loves you, but is involved intermittently with others, who won't kiss you ( heaven knows why!) , who won't commit to you, and, who says they don't really want to get involved on the girlfriend/boyfriend level. Why do you think there is a chance for something to happen? I literally don't see your reasoning.
Further, you are asking the wrong questions. The question should not be whether or not he has genuine feelings for you but rather, whether he can ever be emotionally stable enough to make you happy. (I doubt it.) As well as you might think you know, believe me, you don't. There are far too many things about him that are "mysterious" and which he refused to give you any satisfactory answers for.
I realize you met him when you were just 16 and, at that age, all kinds of romantic fantasies occur, but now you are 22 and are still thinking like a girl of 16. Please, grow up!! Whatever this guy is telling you may be true and I am sure he doesn't want to lose you, but what do you really have: a guy who frustrates you who won't commit. Why do you think this is going to change?
I think you are just hung up on the 6 year old fantasy that makes your heart beat faster when you think of him. Fine, but don't you think he has just taken "hard to get " to the point of absurdity. How good can all this make you feel. To me, it speaks of just plain misery spiced with a little excitement. This is hardly my idea of a relationship with a future.
As far as a platonic relationship goes, I don't think that would be possible until you no longer want anything more from it. It is just going to get harder and harder to sustain because you are so attracted to him. Remember, attraction is only one part of a relationship. Loyalty, commitment, responsibility and maturity make up the rest.
My advice: end it. Yes, even the friendship. At least for now. Why do you need someone who doesn't give you what you need. How good a friend is he if he gives you such mixed messages. Do you really think that this skewed communication is friendship? I know it will be hard because you are kind of addicted to the push-pull aspect of this and the imbalance it causes but he is nothing more than a bad drug of which you need to totally break the habit and get it out of your system, once and for all.
Believe me, I am right. Turn away and don't look back.
I've been seeing a guy on/off for about 4 years now. (Both 22) We were instantly attracted the day we met 6 yrs ago at work and that day he asked me out but I said no, don't get me wrong I should have, I had butterflies in my stomach but did not know anything about the guy and was scared.
We used to flirt like crazy with each other until he lost his job and I didn't see him for a year. We bumped into each other and things started happening despite the fact he was with someone. It ended with them but then I went to university so we both thought a relationship would be hard so we didn't get together.
Since then we have both been in relationships whilst being involved with each other, sometimes physically but mainly just emotionally, we would phone and text each other daily despite me being away at school. For the past year we have been unofficially seeing each other off and on, he says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now (he doesn't know why, he just doesn't). I've asked if he thinks we will ever have a relationship in the future and he just doesn't know but admitted if we did it would be great.
He constantly reassures me he cares for me and has strong feelings for me as I do him. We both say we don't want to lose each other as we have grown so close we regard each other as best friends. To add to the complication he says he doesn't like kissing. I know he has done so with his gfs (he says he didn't particularly like it then either) but he won't kiss me. We do everything but he can't give me a solid reason for this either, just says he doesn't particularly like it.
This and the non-commitment causes arguments and sometimes either one of us calls it a day saying we should just be platonic friends, every time we do we end up with each other again. I've walked away from the whole situation three times before, taking advice from friends, thinking it would be better for us. But because I class him as one of my best friends it hurts me, I don't want to give up such a good friendship. He refuses to give my things back and tells me it's because he doesn't want to let go. Each time I do this it hurts him badly and I don't want to do it again.
Is this guy stringing me along? I don't think so but why wont he kiss or commit to me? Is this normal? Should I stop reading too much into this and not need a label on our relationship?
I am happy with him the way things are but need a clearer view of if this is a lost cause or if there is a more secure future ahead.
Confused
You are right, you are confused, and, by the way, so is he.
I am sure that if you read this letter over again, or, had you received such a letter from a friend, you would tell them to run from this young man, and not look back.
Seriously, just how many red flags have to wave before you can see there is no future here and, if there is, it is bleak! Here is a guy who says he loves you, but is involved intermittently with others, who won't kiss you ( heaven knows why!) , who won't commit to you, and, who says they don't really want to get involved on the girlfriend/boyfriend level. Why do you think there is a chance for something to happen? I literally don't see your reasoning.
Further, you are asking the wrong questions. The question should not be whether or not he has genuine feelings for you but rather, whether he can ever be emotionally stable enough to make you happy. (I doubt it.) As well as you might think you know, believe me, you don't. There are far too many things about him that are "mysterious" and which he refused to give you any satisfactory answers for.
I realize you met him when you were just 16 and, at that age, all kinds of romantic fantasies occur, but now you are 22 and are still thinking like a girl of 16. Please, grow up!! Whatever this guy is telling you may be true and I am sure he doesn't want to lose you, but what do you really have: a guy who frustrates you who won't commit. Why do you think this is going to change?
I think you are just hung up on the 6 year old fantasy that makes your heart beat faster when you think of him. Fine, but don't you think he has just taken "hard to get " to the point of absurdity. How good can all this make you feel. To me, it speaks of just plain misery spiced with a little excitement. This is hardly my idea of a relationship with a future.
As far as a platonic relationship goes, I don't think that would be possible until you no longer want anything more from it. It is just going to get harder and harder to sustain because you are so attracted to him. Remember, attraction is only one part of a relationship. Loyalty, commitment, responsibility and maturity make up the rest.
My advice: end it. Yes, even the friendship. At least for now. Why do you need someone who doesn't give you what you need. How good a friend is he if he gives you such mixed messages. Do you really think that this skewed communication is friendship? I know it will be hard because you are kind of addicted to the push-pull aspect of this and the imbalance it causes but he is nothing more than a bad drug of which you need to totally break the habit and get it out of your system, once and for all.
Believe me, I am right. Turn away and don't look back.
Friday, January 16, 2009
"I have a girlfriend - but all I can think about is the old one!
Dear Dr. Love,
I met this girl back in high school, over 10 years ago now. We instantly had this connection with each other, and from what I remember the teacher had sat us together to try and stop us both from disrupting her class! Anyway, we started hanging out more and more - first with her friends, then more on our own, etc.
The relationship really blossomed over the years, and we had shared a great many personal, deep secrets and feelings with each other. I feel that this woman now knows me best out of anybody - possibly even my own mother. People would comment on what a good couple we made - except they didn't know we were just friends.
Although I felt strong feelings of love towards her soon into the relationship, I never made my feelings known for fear of rejection. This has been going on up until now.
I had to endure the relative torture of seeing other men date her, most of them were abusive, generally losers. I have tried not to be bias in forming those opinions, I do believe it's true - hell, even she agrees.
So, fast forward to the present day, and she now has a little girl - the father has absolutely nothing to do with them, did a runner very soon after she was born. I was the closest thing that little girl had for a father.
I got involved with another girl, who is now my girlfriend. We live together at this moment. It seemed that neither of the two girls liked this. Maybe my girlfriend could tell my feelings. My 'true' love just didn't like me being with my girlfriend for some reason; I got a text message from her to say she didn't want to see me any more.
So, here I am, still with that girlfriend, still living with her. To be honest I have rushed into this relationship and don't feel like I really do love her at all - in fact I'd rather be on my own than lead her on.
I have not been able to forget or 'get over' the original girl, I am dreaming of her when asleep, thinking of her when awake.
So after 7 or 8 months of not seeing or contacting her, I contacted the girl I have these intense feelings for, and she has responded. She wants to meet up - and soon.
I am seriously considering meeting with her at an old pub we used to go to, and then taking her on a walk we used to do down the lanes. During the walk I intend to make my feelings for her crystal clear, and ask her what she thinks.
If she says no, I don't think I'd be able to face her again. If she says yes, I would totally be there for her and her little girl. I'd love her for all eternity, and marry her in a heartbeat!
Clearly, there are a number of complications here. First of all there are joint ownerships of high value items with my current girlfriend, there is still a large period left on the rental agreement, her family has accepted me and I play squash with her brother. If I move out of the flat, I'll need a new place - it's questionable whether I can afford it on my own.
There are a lot of bridges to burn here, and massive risk involved in going down this route - but if don't act now, I will forever regret it. I'm sure that this is the last opportunity I am ever going to have.
Oh yeah, we are both 23.
What do you make of all this?
Thanks,
M.
My first suggestion is to see the movie "Match Point" by Woody Allen. You are definitely that boy.
You love someone you say "deeply" but money and comfort mean more to you than love. You live with someone whose family has taken you in and accepted you and you are not really being honest with your live in, but you are too scared of making your own way in the world and taking on adult responsibility.
Second, I hear that you don't feel capable of supporting yourself and that living on your own, without the support of your current g.f. would be too hard to handle. Does that sound like an adult male to you? Exactly.
So let me ask....what do you do? Are you capable of being emotionally and financially independent? Can you really take on the responsibility of a mother and daughter? That is a pretty big order.
Also, it sounds like the girl you love gave you a chance but that you weren't able to break with the other girl. She did right by refusing to see you. Who needs someone that ambivalent?
I think that even though you don't really want the one you have, you are afraid to go for what you really want. Honestly, that just cheats everyone: you, girl number one and girl number two as well.
I also wonder what the emotional health is of the girl you say you love if she has chosen abusive or unstable relationships. What makes you think it will be any different with you?
Okay, so what should you do?
First, for goodness sakes, start to be honest at least with yourself and stop living the lie you are living just for the convenience of a nice life style.
Talk to the girl you love and tell her the truth: you want to marry her and leave your current live in. See if she is open to that. If you don't approach her, you will probably always regret it. Second, be a gentleman to the girl you live with. She sounds like a good person and at least deserves your honesty.
Third, remember that 23 is not very old. The most important task at your age is to establish yourself as an independent and mature entity that can support himself as well as a potential life partner. It doesn't sound like you are quite there yet, does it?
At the very least, both of these young women deserve someone who can "man up" truthfully and openly and end the deceit of your present situation.
I hope I have given you an answer that will be helpful to you. Good luck and keep me posted.
Sincerely,
Dr.Love
I met this girl back in high school, over 10 years ago now. We instantly had this connection with each other, and from what I remember the teacher had sat us together to try and stop us both from disrupting her class! Anyway, we started hanging out more and more - first with her friends, then more on our own, etc.
The relationship really blossomed over the years, and we had shared a great many personal, deep secrets and feelings with each other. I feel that this woman now knows me best out of anybody - possibly even my own mother. People would comment on what a good couple we made - except they didn't know we were just friends.
Although I felt strong feelings of love towards her soon into the relationship, I never made my feelings known for fear of rejection. This has been going on up until now.
I had to endure the relative torture of seeing other men date her, most of them were abusive, generally losers. I have tried not to be bias in forming those opinions, I do believe it's true - hell, even she agrees.
So, fast forward to the present day, and she now has a little girl - the father has absolutely nothing to do with them, did a runner very soon after she was born. I was the closest thing that little girl had for a father.
I got involved with another girl, who is now my girlfriend. We live together at this moment. It seemed that neither of the two girls liked this. Maybe my girlfriend could tell my feelings. My 'true' love just didn't like me being with my girlfriend for some reason; I got a text message from her to say she didn't want to see me any more.
So, here I am, still with that girlfriend, still living with her. To be honest I have rushed into this relationship and don't feel like I really do love her at all - in fact I'd rather be on my own than lead her on.
I have not been able to forget or 'get over' the original girl, I am dreaming of her when asleep, thinking of her when awake.
So after 7 or 8 months of not seeing or contacting her, I contacted the girl I have these intense feelings for, and she has responded. She wants to meet up - and soon.
I am seriously considering meeting with her at an old pub we used to go to, and then taking her on a walk we used to do down the lanes. During the walk I intend to make my feelings for her crystal clear, and ask her what she thinks.
If she says no, I don't think I'd be able to face her again. If she says yes, I would totally be there for her and her little girl. I'd love her for all eternity, and marry her in a heartbeat!
Clearly, there are a number of complications here. First of all there are joint ownerships of high value items with my current girlfriend, there is still a large period left on the rental agreement, her family has accepted me and I play squash with her brother. If I move out of the flat, I'll need a new place - it's questionable whether I can afford it on my own.
There are a lot of bridges to burn here, and massive risk involved in going down this route - but if don't act now, I will forever regret it. I'm sure that this is the last opportunity I am ever going to have.
Oh yeah, we are both 23.
What do you make of all this?
Thanks,
M.
My first suggestion is to see the movie "Match Point" by Woody Allen. You are definitely that boy.
You love someone you say "deeply" but money and comfort mean more to you than love. You live with someone whose family has taken you in and accepted you and you are not really being honest with your live in, but you are too scared of making your own way in the world and taking on adult responsibility.
Second, I hear that you don't feel capable of supporting yourself and that living on your own, without the support of your current g.f. would be too hard to handle. Does that sound like an adult male to you? Exactly.
So let me ask....what do you do? Are you capable of being emotionally and financially independent? Can you really take on the responsibility of a mother and daughter? That is a pretty big order.
Also, it sounds like the girl you love gave you a chance but that you weren't able to break with the other girl. She did right by refusing to see you. Who needs someone that ambivalent?
I think that even though you don't really want the one you have, you are afraid to go for what you really want. Honestly, that just cheats everyone: you, girl number one and girl number two as well.
I also wonder what the emotional health is of the girl you say you love if she has chosen abusive or unstable relationships. What makes you think it will be any different with you?
Okay, so what should you do?
First, for goodness sakes, start to be honest at least with yourself and stop living the lie you are living just for the convenience of a nice life style.
Talk to the girl you love and tell her the truth: you want to marry her and leave your current live in. See if she is open to that. If you don't approach her, you will probably always regret it. Second, be a gentleman to the girl you live with. She sounds like a good person and at least deserves your honesty.
Third, remember that 23 is not very old. The most important task at your age is to establish yourself as an independent and mature entity that can support himself as well as a potential life partner. It doesn't sound like you are quite there yet, does it?
At the very least, both of these young women deserve someone who can "man up" truthfully and openly and end the deceit of your present situation.
I hope I have given you an answer that will be helpful to you. Good luck and keep me posted.
Sincerely,
Dr.Love
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dear Dr. Love,
I have a problem about my girlfriend, she keep on asking me why do birds suddenly appear? and how much is that doggy in the window? what should I do?
From Bruno
I have a problem about my girlfriend, she keep on asking me why do birds suddenly appear? and how much is that doggy in the window? what should I do?
From Bruno
Bruno, its easy as 1, 2, 3. all you have to do is to make your girlfriend comfortable make sure to show her how much you love her. Try to make buy her a compas.
Confusing
Dear Dr. Love
Before everything just call me in the name of gina
im a 16 year old high school student... i have a problem in my love life
because its confusing
because i love 2 boys my past and my present what should i do?
whom should i choose?
my past or my present one?
im confusing and i need to choose between them i know the one who i did not choose
will have so much pain please doctor love help me
i will appreciate it thanks
Lover
Gina
Well Gina let me see... yah that wasnt easy i understand your problem and i experience that before
but i choose the most i love its my present
my advice is you should pick your present because past is past
well if you love most the past get back to him...
loving someone is soooo hard..
and dont worry about the person who will get hurt
its a part of love
Before everything just call me in the name of gina
im a 16 year old high school student... i have a problem in my love life
because its confusing
because i love 2 boys my past and my present what should i do?
whom should i choose?
my past or my present one?
im confusing and i need to choose between them i know the one who i did not choose
will have so much pain please doctor love help me
i will appreciate it thanks
Lover
Gina
Well Gina let me see... yah that wasnt easy i understand your problem and i experience that before
but i choose the most i love its my present
my advice is you should pick your present because past is past
well if you love most the past get back to him...
loving someone is soooo hard..
and dont worry about the person who will get hurt
its a part of love
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Welcome To My Site
Welcome To My site Send me stories of your life, love problems and trust me to
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Whether you're lonely and looking for love, always drawn to wrong partners, struggling to save a troubled relationship, scared to reenter the dating scene or wishing to reconnect with someone who has died, I am here to help you turn your life around.
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Whether you're lonely and looking for love, always drawn to wrong partners, struggling to save a troubled relationship, scared to reenter the dating scene or wishing to reconnect with someone who has died, I am here to help you turn your life around.
At my Center for Emotional Communication, I have spent decades devising effective strategies for helping people overcome the blocks that prevent them from fully loving themselves and others.
Until now, my work has focused on improving relationships with the living.
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